Looking back on many of my posts in this blog, I was struck by a couple of things. First, many posts were fueled by anger and confusion. Second, a good number of them were decidedly negative.
Recently, I have been spending time with a psychologist. It’s been a mind opening experience. I have realized that for years and decades I have carried around so much negativity.
It’s a heavy burden, an anchor, a wretched gravity that has left me stuck or worse losing ground. I have for decades defined myself by my past which, without going into detail, is best described as dysfunctional. By defining who and what I am by past hurt and wounds I have very effectively never broken away from the past.
I have never understood, perhaps purposefully, who I could or should be today, this moment. I really have never looked to the future with hope, joy and wonder.
And this has showed in much of my writing in this blog. It has been what I was feeling. Now I’m uncomfortable with that anger, that remorse and that sense of pervading loss.
This is not the way to lead a life. In fact, it exaggerates the already strong feeling of being a victim and being helpless. This is not leading a life; it is wallowing in how the past has conquered me.
I realize that only I can break that backward definition. I still have to put the past in proper perspective and I will always carry it. That takes work and it’s not a particularly easy thing to accomplish.
But it isn’t who I am, who I want to be. I have the power to redefine myself. To resurrect myself is not an understatement.
When I first began working with the psychologist, one of the first words she offered to describe me was resilient. I would never have even thought to use this word in relation to myself. However, to come this far in my life I am resilient and I have accomplished many things. The exact problem is that I haven’t given myself any credit; I haven’t let myself be proud.
I haven’t allowed myself to be happy and hopeful.
All this is a revelation, it’s an epiphany. I’m trying to cut those cords, allow myself to be who I want to be and what I want to achieve.
My goal is to recognize my strengths, my talents and that I can contribute to the world rather than a burden. I can’t promise that I will never get angry or lash out at an unfair past.
I can promise, though, I will do my utmost to look at myself positively, with hope and with a quiet pride.
Peace and love Terry
bipolar circus 