Belief

I have questions that keep me awake, keep me thinking, keep me wondering and keep me searching.  I try to find answers and the trust that I need to believe in any answers. I have faith that there is some spirituality that unites us all.

Lately though I am questioning God or Allah or any other higher being. I question their existence. I know that many in this blogging community of sharing believe in their hearts that God, for instance, is the answer, the way forward, the light of life. Moreover you find great solace in this relationship as you struggle with or have come to peace with mental illness.

I am certainly not diminishing your faith or questioning your beliefs through my own misgivings. I wish I could be that certain.

However, I have never seen God. There was a time when I thought I was speaking to God and he was listening to what I was saying. I have tried to have a dialogue but for me it was one-sided.

I have never come face-to-face. Never sat down to explore how the world exists, why it exists the way it does. It all seems unfair in the truth of wars and hatred and disease. Why do these things exist?

I have wondered the same about other great religions. I have read the Bible and the Quran; both have a beauty and gentleness of their own.

I don’t consider myself a religious expert but words and phrases from these texts are memorable, meaningful and delicately written.

Three examples come to mind. From the Quran—Generosity is an easy thing. It is a smiling face and kind words. From the Buddha—You have no cause for anything but gratitude and joy. From the Bible—Gentleness and self-control. Against such things there are no laws.

But I don’t have much experience with these sentiments. I have not heard many kind words. I have had relatively little joy. I have not seen much gentleness.

I am plagued by the existence of mental illness and all illnesses. What is fair about this? Why is mental illness still cloaked in mystery and misunderstanding?

Why are some lives struck so hard while others go through life unhindered?

Where we have confusion many have clarity. Where we have unknown pain they live with a peaceful mind. Where we travel an unsteady path others make their way calmly.

I am not bitter or I try not to be but I ask myself why I should believe in God or Allah or any other higher being. Why should I take to heart shining words—I would rather see actions, see deeds. Unfortunately, I am still waiting for answers, for words to come to life.

I am still searching for solace and assistance as I wander through life with bipolar disorder.

The trouble is I do not know which way to look.

 

Lastly, I have noticed over the past weeks that more folks are following this blog. I’m grateful. When I started my only goal was honesty. I hope you find some morsel that is helpful.

peace and love Terry